Pick up lines za Kenya

*Girl uko juu kama kamba ya kujinyonga
*Babe I am planning to run a family will you be my running mate?
*Babe are you an mpesa agent ,coz nataka kuweka na nitoe.
*Babe you legs must be a police cell ,coz leo na lala ndani
*Girl i was reading the bible in the book of numbers and I realized that I didn't have yours.

Pastor and Beer Joke

A Preacher said: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into theriver”.
And thecongregation cried, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”. 
And the congregation cried, “Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world,
I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. 
Again the congregation cried, “Amen!”
The preacher sat down.
Then Deacon Mambo stood up & said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”.
The congregation screamed
HALLELUJAH!!!

Jacob Zuma Joke

Jacob Zuma walked into a branch of FNB to cash a cheque. As he approached
the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for
me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Zuma: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any
need to. I am Jacob Zuma, the President !!!"
Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks
because of imposters, fraud and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."
Zuma: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr President but these are the bank rules and I must
follow them."
Zuma: "I need this cheque cashed."
Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Ernie Els came into the bank
without ID. To prove he was Ernie Els he pulled out his putting iron and
made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Ernie Els and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and
made a fabulous drop kick where the ball landed in my cup. With that
spectacular kick we cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove
that it is you, and only you, as the President?"
Zuma stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a
single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Mr President?"

Gay joke - Na msirushe mawe

Four friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other three were discussing about how successful their sons became.

The 1st man says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich and he gave his best friend a
Ferrari.

The 2nd man said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so richand he gave his best friend a jet.

The 3rd man said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich and he build his best friend a castle.

The 4th man (Mike) came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son.

  Mike said his son is GAY and is a stripper at a gay bar, Other three said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

Oh no!!! said Akpors, he is doing good, Last week
was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends.

The men fainted!!!!

Sex in Hospital

Couple both aged 40 went to a
sex therapist's office. The Doctor
asked, what can I do for
you? The man said "will you watch
us have sex?" The Doctor looked
puzzled but agreed. When the
couple finished having
intercourse the Doctor said, "there's
nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse". He charged
them Kshs 1, 000. This happened several
weeks in a row, the couple could
make an appointment and have
intercourse with no problems,pay
the Doctor and leave. FINALLY the Dr
asked"Just exactly what r u trying
to find out?". The man said"we
are not trying to find out
anything. She's is married and we
can not go to her house.I'm
married so we can't go to my
house. At the guest house they
charge Kshs 5, 000, the hotel charges
Kshs. 2000. We do it here for Kshs. 1000 and I
claim it back from Medical Aid!

Where is mom

Funny but true

The funniest 'Ujinga ni' jokes

- kumwagia plants tusker eti una refresh their roots.
--ujinga ni dem kuvaa tisho ya nimechill na ako ball
-kukatia dem kwa church hadi una offer kumlipia sadaka.
-ujinga ni kukaa kwa mat mbele na dere then unapenduka kumwamwambia kondakta shukisha....
-kuenda media house kuomba kazi yakuosha vyombo vya habari.
-ujinga ni nurse kuamsha mgonjwa ameze dawa za kulala
-kupeleka slimpossible compe turkana.
-ujinga ni kuingia kwa ward ya wamama waja wazito thn unawagotea"niaje wazito"
-ujinga ni nurse kuamsha mgonjwa ameze dawa za kulala.
-ujinga nikuenda sunday school boarding. lol...
-ujinga ni kujaribu kushindana na wakenya long distance
-ujinga ni dem kuvaa tisho ya nimechill na yet ako ball.
-haiiiiiya! ujinga ni kuchana veve na lollipop, ati ni swag.
-kusave mpango wa kando ati private no! kisha anakutext!
-ujinga ni kuambia kiwete akanyagie stori
-ujinga ni..... konda wa mat za buru kusema "jogoo mbao,jogoo mbao" alafu mluyha anasema "nifungieko pili". lol....
-kujiita romantic na uko single
-ujinga ni kuapply lipstick kwa forehead kumake up mind yako!
-ujinga ni kudhani first born wa mama mboga anaitwa "mboga"
-ujinga ni kureduce volume ya radio ndo usome sms.
-kukatia chali wa church hadi una offer kumlipia sadaka.
-a luhya man, fainted outside kenchic. a crowd gathered n someone from the crowd said "give him water, he will be fine". he opened one eye n said "toka hapa wewe. ningetaka maji, ningefaint nje ya nairobi water company!!" lol...
-ujinga ni kushow uhuru aende hague na national anthem inaxema tukae na uhuru
-kusave mpango wa kando private no! alafu anakutext!
-kufungia mshuto kwa choo
-ujinga ni kufungua gym turkana
-kufungua duka ya tatoo southern sudan
- kuruka line vct
-nyama kuungua ukisoma gazeti ulifungiwa nayo
-kupeleka vitz kwa car wash badala ya baby shower
-kubuy beer ingine moja ukitegea fare ishuke hadi mbao